Decoding Independent Auditors Report

Pre: Dedicated to all who at point of time have audited or have been subjected to audit. Do read an original Audit Report here.

Independent Auditors’ Report

TO THE MEMBERS (if at all they care for anything more than the free lunch on offer at AGM)

 

REPORT ON THE FINANCIAL STATEMENTS

We have audited made money from the accompanying financial fraudulent statements of ABC Limited (the Company), which comprise the window dressed Balance Sheet as at March 31, 2014, the Statement of Inflated Profit and Hidden Loss and Cash (white, not black) Flow Statement for the year then ended, and a summary of insignificant accounting policies and other explanatory information which even we cannot understand.

 

MANAGEMENT’S RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE FINANCIAL STATEMENTS

The Company’s Management is responsible for the preparation of these fraudulent statements, that give a true (lol) and fair (fairer than Neil Nitin Mukesh!) view of the beguile performance and imaginative cash flow of the Company in accordance with the Accounting Standards taught by Praveen Sharma Sir and in accordance with the deviations from principles generally accepted in India. To cut it short, arrest the management, not me, for any fraud, because they are the one responsible for everything- be it the Iraq war or Argentina’s defeat in finals. I am, all the way, irresponsible.

 

AUDITORS’ RESPONSIBILITY

Our responsibility is to hide lies about these fraudulent statements based on our so called audit. We conducted our audit in accordance with the Standard of the client. Those Standards require that client should pay high audit fees and should not lose his temper on being produced reimbursement bills for expenses which we never incurred during audit.

An audit involves performing any bloody kind of procedures to make client believe to increase next year’s audit fees. The procedures selected depend on the auditor’s judgment article’s stupidity, including the application of half-baked IPCC knowledge with full attitude and confidence, whether correct or not. In making those half-baked assessments, we ignore all kinds of risk of material misstatements and consider whatever the client says as the only truth. The auditor considers internal control blah blah, copy paste blah blah blah who cares blah blah who reads blah blah accounting jargons blah blah report length increased. We believe that the absurd queries we have raised are sufficient and appropriate to provide a basis for mental harassment case.

 

OPINION

In my opinion (I guess so) and for the best of lunches and dinners given to us the aforesaid fraudulent statements give the information required in the manner so as to increase share prices and give a varnished and shammed view in conformity with the accounting deception principles generally followed in India:

(a) In the case of the Sham Balance Sheet, hiding the sorry state of affairs of the Company;

(b) In the case of the Statement of Profit and Loss, manufacturing profits in books; and

(c) In the case of the Cash Flow Statement, taking care of all the black money.

 

REPORT ON OTHER LEGAL AND REGULATORY REQUIREMENTS

1. As required by the CARO, but since I left this topic during examination, we cannot give in the Annexure a statement on the matters specified in paragraphs 4 and 5 of the Order.

2. As required by my senior:

a. We have obtained all the bills and the excess reimbursements for pizzas and chips necessary for the purpose of our audit;

b. In our opinion, the clients has sufficiently been blackmailed and made to suffer so far as appears from our examination of their faces.

c. The Balance Sheet, the Statement of Profit and Loss, and the Cash Flow Statement dealt with by this Report are in agreement with the amount of audit fees paid.

d. In our opinion, the Balance Sheet, the Statement of Profit and Loss, and the Cash Flow Statement comply with Accounting Standards and even if they don’t, I really don’t care.

e. On the basis of the written representations received from the directors as on March 31, 2014, taken on record by the Board of Directors, none of the directors is disqualified as on March 31, 2014, from being appointed as a director in terms of Section 274(1)(g) of the Act, but the manner in which they run the company, they all should be disqualified!

 

For the most scrooge firm of

Chartered Accountants

(Firm Registration No. 000420X)

 

<Autograph valued more than that of any celebrity>

 

ABC

Partner

Membership No BB Pin.:

Delhi

Date : < 2 days before board meeting>

 

 

P.S.: The audit report is independent of financial statements and has nothing to do with books of accounts. It is a work of fiction and any resemblance or non-resemblance to actual state of affairs is purely co-incidental.

 

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Author: sarthakg

A terrible dancer, an abrasive singer and a Chartered Accountant, Sarthak Goyal has been penning his mind through the blog ‘Something. Nothing. Everything’ since 2009. In whatever little time he gets away from sleep, he works for his venture, DTHConnect.com.

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