10 Hidden Benefits of Demonetization

Was the real purpose of demonetization was to bring back the lost pride of Color Pink or was it to teach us to stand in a Queue. What were the real reasons to ban these Rs.500 and Rs. 1000 notes? Find out in this highly confidential post as we reveal the the hidden benefits of demonetization.

So you thought this demonetization scheme was only to curb black money and corruption? Then, you have no idea how this scheme is going to change India forever.

Please note that the information that I am going to provide in this blog is highly confidential. Read at your own risk. 
note-rupees
Below are some of the hidden benefits and the real reasons for banning the old notes and replacing them with new ones.

 

1. Respect for Color Pink

Black had class, red resembled love, blue was the sky, grey had 50 shades and we all talked about going green. But what did pink represent? A section of society which are always dis-respected and considered second class citizens.  Today, with the new Rs.2000 note, pink represents power. The biggest of the politicians, bureaucrats and businessmen want only this colour. Pink is the new status symbol. Mahatma Gandhi, the face of this revolution, had once said “Recall the face of the poorest and weakest man you have seen, and ask yourself if this step you contemplate is going to be any use to him.” This one decision of the government has changed the fortune of this weakest of all colours. A master stroke, ain’t it?

2. A lesson to Stand in a Queue

The biggest hurdle that Mukesh Ambani faced during the launch of Jio SIM was that people were not ready to stand in a Queue to wait for their turn. And hence, this note ban decision was taken. Keep your hands on your heart and answer honestly- Before 8th November, did you ever thought that Indians could standi in a queue. 50 days have changed it all.

 

3. Fostering Creative Writing

No government in the past has given so much emphasize on creative writing than this one. In these last 50 days, everyday RBI officials had to use their creative skills to write a new circular. And what an amazing job they have done. No wonder Chetan Bhagat must be feeling threatened.

 

4. Promoting Cleanliness

We all know how serious this government is with their Swachh Bharat Mission. Despite spending crores, they were not getting the desired results. But this move, changed it all. All that was required was to put some notes in garbage. Within few hours, all the garbage across the country was cleaned up in anticipation of finding more notes. Similarly, few notes were thrown in river and people themselves jumped and cleaned all rivers.

 

5. Freedom of Speech

No matter how much we criticize this government on curbing freedom of speech, but this one decision has made even the most silent person in whole of India to speak up. Those who already used to speak, whether they are from Delhi or Bengal, are now speaking louder. Even the person who is made fun of across social media, is on daily basis speaking and even reciting poems. Still, you feel that this government is against freedom of speech?

 

6. Boon to Economy

False are all those claims that the economy has gone down. You take out the sales records of any jeweler, and you will realize what a boost this note ban decision has given to businesses. And you know, what’s the best part? All the purchasers are from the middle class, purchasing less than Rs. 1 lakh gold.

 

7. Promoting a Healthy India

Government and RBI could have easily kept the dimensions of new notes same as previous one and avoided recalibration of ATM machines. But they choose a sleek design, so that they could inspire whole of India to focus on their health and shed those extra kilos. Some fitness centers are planning to use the images of old and new notes, in their before and after photo.

 

8. Permanent Seat in UN’s Security Council

The biggest hurdle in India’s claim to a permanent Security Council seat is China. However, by taking such a huge step to benefit a digital company backed by a Chinese investor, despite a huge campaign to boycott China, India has put tremendous pressure on Chinese government. It can now be expected that China as a barter would have to favour India for a permanent seat in Security Council.
 

9. Making People Realize the Evils of Female Foeticide

Note Ban was a lesson for all those who killed their daughters in the foetus stage. After 8th November, they realized the value of that foetus. Had they not killed her, they could have easily converted another 2.5 lakhs into white by depositing in her account.

 

10. Keeping the Family Bond Tight

Diwali had already passed in October and new year was still two months away. Do you realize how quiet would all those family whatsapp groups had become, had it not been note ban. Throughout these 50 days, it was like a festival. From morning till late night, there were messages, jokes and rumors on these groups. Had it not been demonetization, people would have never realized that they have got such a huge family. Note ban, kept the family connected in this lean period of forwarded messages between Diwali and New Year.

Still you believe note ban was a bad move?

An Auditor’s Approach Towards Cooking

There is this story about a fish. For the entire life, she was kept in an aquarium bowl. One day, her master decided to let her free in the ocean. But in the ocean also, the fish kept on revolving at one place as that’s the only thing she knew.

Auditors are like this fish. Right from their articleship, the only thing they are taught is to find mistakes. These are the people who ask the doctor about the sampling technique used before giving a blood sample. Wherever you put these auditors, they just start their audit process.

To prove this, we did a small experiment. We picked up an auditor and threw him in a kitchen with a cook. A normal person might have learnt some cooking tips or enjoyed his favourite dishes in kitchen. But auditors are special (read: abnormal). After spending a day in kitchen, he came out (actually thrown out by the cook!) with this- ‘ A Guide to Audit of a Kitchen’

Picture1

AUDIT OF A KITCHEN

Kitchen is the production area of any household where raw materials such as potatoes, cheese, pulses are transformed into finished products called as breakfast, lunch or dinner, depending upon the time it is consumed. Various consumables like oil, ghee, spices are used to carry out the transformatiom process, called as cooking.

Being one of the biggest cost centre of any house, it is necessary that the kitchen is always working in the most efficient and effective manner. For this, it is recommended that an audit of cooking process is carried out each quarter by an external, independent agency. The audit process should follow the following guidelines-

1. Gaining Process Knowledge

Visit any recipe site like tarladalal.com  to learn about standards applicable during preparation of various items. Auditor may also refer tutorial videos of Sanjeev Kapoor for the same. During the exercise, special care should be given to technical jargons such as “namak swaad anusaar“. Also, the auditor should make himself comfortable with both Hindi and English name of spices, so that he is not struck with question like “Hing ko English mein kya bolte hai?”

2. System Walk through

The auditor should visit the actual site i.e. kitchen and have a system walk-through of the cooking process. The walk through should include the purchasing process of raw materials and consumables, selection criteria for food to be cooked, process of cooking, estimations and the complaint handling process.

3. Audit Planning

After becoming familiar with the whole process, the auditor should prepare an audit plan and check list of points to be covered. The check list may include checking of purchases, tasting the food before it is served, reconciliation of actual production vis a vis consumption, sample survey of consumers and the treatment given to scrap.

4. Execution

  • Purchases: The auditor should obtain the list of all purchases including vegetables, spices, cooking oil, and salads made during the audit period. On sampling basis, it should obtain the purchase orders and check if the tendering process has been adequately followed. If should be checked that the quotations from each vegetable seller has been obtained and the PO has been issued to L1 vendor after adequate bargaining. The quality certificates of purchases should also be checked. Analytical procedures must also be applied to check if purchases have been made on the basis of minimum order levels. Excess purchase of vegetables like gheeya and tori, should specifically be pointed out in the audit report.
  • Stock: Details of stock lying in kitchen along with those under production should be obtained. Stock turnover ratio may be computed to determine fast, slow and non-moving items. A surprise physical verification may also conducted on the basis of ABC Analysis of different items. Material lying unused for a long period may be disposed off to a stray dog or cow. Special attention should be given to FoC (Free of Charge) items such as ketchup and chilly flakes sachets coming along with burgers and pizzas.
  • Production Process:  The process of production or the cooking is the most vital process of the system. It should be ensured that it is done by personnel having sufficient experience in this field. Auditor may ask such personnel to prepare items like gajar ka halwa to test their capabilities. It should be ensured that selection process of item to be prepared consider all the factors including available stock, health meter and the feedback of consumers. Items like baingan ka bharta should be discouraged. The efficiency ratio of gas usage for each item prepared should also be checked by auditor. In the end, each of the item prepared should be tasted by the auditor and given marks accordingly.
  • Reconciliation: Reconciliation is done at two levels. The first is of raw material. Purchases should be reduced with standard level of consumption to arrive at closing stock. Any material deviation should be enquired into and reported accordingly. The second reconciliation is of finished product. The auditor should check the quantity of item produced and must reconcile it with the total number of people present. Adequate weighage should be given to the weight of each consumer. It should also be checked that whether any item left unused has been utilized the subsequent day.
  • Consumer Feedback: The consumer feedback mechanism should also be checked. The auditor may conduct a sample survey regarding the quality of food. However, while conducting the survey it should be ensured that the cook had not prepared paneer that day.

5. Reporting– For reporting purpose, the auditor should note its weight before and after the audit on that basis must issue its report.

  • If the weight has increased- The food prepared is unhealthy and unhygienic resulting in the problem of obesity among the consumers
  • If the weight has reduced- The cooking process is unable to meet the demands of the people and as a result they are being forced to starve.
  • If the weight remains same- The whole process of cooking is a waste and does not provide any benefit to the consumer.

11 Mistakes of My Life!

1. Not learning dance– Remember how surviving each day at school was a challenge for Darsheel Safay in TZP? I feel the same on dance floor.

2. Buying a Dell laptop– No! The problem is not with the laptop, but with the fact that I took no advantage of 1 year accidental warranty!

3. That FB DP– Was I out of my mind when I shared that pic on FB! I wish I had the courage to post it here. Looking at it once, you would have understood why it’s included here.

4. Not buying an iphone– Not because I love iphone, but to prepare myself better for Apple vs Android debate and thus, to help android win it.

5. Not arranging photos on my laptop– 44,826 photos. 90 GB data. Tried several times, but could never completed it. Result- Its mess which is tougher to clean than our political system. (Not to forget incomplete backups at dropbox, google+ and CDs)

6. Reading twilight saga– In 3 weeks I was through with 4 books. Watching back to back episodes of Kyunki Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi would have been a better choice.

7. Learning to drive car– When you have to spend 2.5 hrs of your life daily in pressing and releasing clutch, you will realize why its a mistake.

8. Ignoring that girl– She was such a nerd during school, but look at her now! How did I miss her?! So true, when it comes to stock market and girls, its all about strong fundamentals and right timing.

9. Joining that whatsapp group– Forwarded photos, messages and videos. And then a birthday every alternate day! If that wasn’t enough, you have those blue ticks for groups also

10. Rejecting Bill’s offer to be Microsoft CEO- It wasn’t that bad an offer. I could have considered it. But Nadela is also doing good.

11. Voting for AAP– You call it mistake! Trust me, I will do this mistake time and again.

 

Start your cleanliness mission from here!

Become a part of Modi’s Swachh Bharat Mission, and contribute towards it. And as it is said that charity begins at home, its time to start your cleanliness mission from yourself. With a long extended weekend, following are your SEVEN cleanliness mission for the next 5 days:

Become a part of Modi’s Swachh Bharat Mission, and contribute towards it. And as it is said that charity begins at home, its time to start your cleanliness mission from yourself. With a long extended weekend, following are your EIGHT cleanliness missions for the next 5 days:

1. Clean your FB friend list: Your friend list in nearing the 4 digit mark, but how many of them you actually know or talk to? Its time to go through your friend list, delete unwanted people and organize others in proper list. And yes, do the same for the n number of pages that you have liked on facebook.

2. Clean up your seat at office: Why is it so that every time you need a paper urgently, you are unable to find it? Its not any jinx on you. Please spare 20 minutes for the bundle of papers lying on you seat and in your drawer. Its going to spare you from those 5 frantic minutes whenever your boss asks you for an important paper.

3. Clean you Almirah: Your mom has been asking you from ages. Its time to spare some time for your almirah. If not for cleanliness, then for that lost pen drive and for clothes you have forgotten about (and the money in their pocket!).

4. Clean your desktop: Do you know that that word file on desktop is actually your ticket for the travel you made 2 years ago? Please clean your desktop! A cleaner desktop is going to make you feel a lot better, trust me!

5. Clean your fats: Gym, morning walk, sports and yes, dieting!!

6. Clean your to-do list: Remember that tareekh pe tareek dialog of Sunny Deol? Stop postponing those work from this weekend to the next. Go, buy the stuff you have needing from months! Get yourself the haircut! Call up your friend! Get that gift for your father!

7. Clean your finances: Don’t wait for the March, just sit down and relax! See if your investments are giving returns as you expected. Are your taxes being taken care of? Half of the financial year is still remaining. You can tweak your  portfolio. May be its better to pay off the full amount of loan, instead of making new investments.

8. Clean your mind: Towards the office boy in the office, towards the kaamwali at home, towards the jhaaduwala in your locality and most importantly, towards the guy who cleans your toilet everyday. Respect them and their work!

Decoding Independent Auditors Report

Pre: Dedicated to all who at point of time have audited or have been subjected to audit. Do read an original Audit Report here.

Independent Auditors’ Report

TO THE MEMBERS (if at all they care for anything more than the free lunch on offer at AGM)

 

REPORT ON THE FINANCIAL STATEMENTS

We have audited made money from the accompanying financial fraudulent statements of ABC Limited (the Company), which comprise the window dressed Balance Sheet as at March 31, 2014, the Statement of Inflated Profit and Hidden Loss and Cash (white, not black) Flow Statement for the year then ended, and a summary of insignificant accounting policies and other explanatory information which even we cannot understand.

 

MANAGEMENT’S RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE FINANCIAL STATEMENTS

The Company’s Management is responsible for the preparation of these fraudulent statements, that give a true (lol) and fair (fairer than Neil Nitin Mukesh!) view of the beguile performance and imaginative cash flow of the Company in accordance with the Accounting Standards taught by Praveen Sharma Sir and in accordance with the deviations from principles generally accepted in India. To cut it short, arrest the management, not me, for any fraud, because they are the one responsible for everything- be it the Iraq war or Argentina’s defeat in finals. I am, all the way, irresponsible.

 

AUDITORS’ RESPONSIBILITY

Our responsibility is to hide lies about these fraudulent statements based on our so called audit. We conducted our audit in accordance with the Standard of the client. Those Standards require that client should pay high audit fees and should not lose his temper on being produced reimbursement bills for expenses which we never incurred during audit.

An audit involves performing any bloody kind of procedures to make client believe to increase next year’s audit fees. The procedures selected depend on the auditor’s judgment article’s stupidity, including the application of half-baked IPCC knowledge with full attitude and confidence, whether correct or not. In making those half-baked assessments, we ignore all kinds of risk of material misstatements and consider whatever the client says as the only truth. The auditor considers internal control blah blah, copy paste blah blah blah who cares blah blah who reads blah blah accounting jargons blah blah report length increased. We believe that the absurd queries we have raised are sufficient and appropriate to provide a basis for mental harassment case.

 

OPINION

In my opinion (I guess so) and for the best of lunches and dinners given to us the aforesaid fraudulent statements give the information required in the manner so as to increase share prices and give a varnished and shammed view in conformity with the accounting deception principles generally followed in India:

(a) In the case of the Sham Balance Sheet, hiding the sorry state of affairs of the Company;

(b) In the case of the Statement of Profit and Loss, manufacturing profits in books; and

(c) In the case of the Cash Flow Statement, taking care of all the black money.

 

REPORT ON OTHER LEGAL AND REGULATORY REQUIREMENTS

1. As required by the CARO, but since I left this topic during examination, we cannot give in the Annexure a statement on the matters specified in paragraphs 4 and 5 of the Order.

2. As required by my senior:

a. We have obtained all the bills and the excess reimbursements for pizzas and chips necessary for the purpose of our audit;

b. In our opinion, the clients has sufficiently been blackmailed and made to suffer so far as appears from our examination of their faces.

c. The Balance Sheet, the Statement of Profit and Loss, and the Cash Flow Statement dealt with by this Report are in agreement with the amount of audit fees paid.

d. In our opinion, the Balance Sheet, the Statement of Profit and Loss, and the Cash Flow Statement comply with Accounting Standards and even if they don’t, I really don’t care.

e. On the basis of the written representations received from the directors as on March 31, 2014, taken on record by the Board of Directors, none of the directors is disqualified as on March 31, 2014, from being appointed as a director in terms of Section 274(1)(g) of the Act, but the manner in which they run the company, they all should be disqualified!

 

For the most scrooge firm of

Chartered Accountants

(Firm Registration No. 000420X)

 

<Autograph valued more than that of any celebrity>

 

ABC

Partner

Membership No BB Pin.:

Delhi

Date : < 2 days before board meeting>

 

 

P.S.: The audit report is independent of financial statements and has nothing to do with books of accounts. It is a work of fiction and any resemblance or non-resemblance to actual state of affairs is purely co-incidental.

 

Dear Black Money

Black Money

Dear Black Money

I am your weaker sibling, white. How are you? I am fine here in India and I hope you are enjoying your stay in Switzerland. I am writing this letter as I have heard that you are coming back to India. Is it true? If it is, then I will suggest you to please reconsider your decision.

Black, do you remember the days when we were together and there was no difference between you and me. We were simply, Money without any discrimination of black and white. But then some corrupt politicians and cruel businessmen separated us forever. Since that day, you have been growing in numbers and I am left on the mercy of salaried employees who do not have the privilege of you. People often call me No.1, but it’s you who went places- from Mauritius to Dubai to Switzerland, while I was locked in FD, Post Office or in PF. While I suffer from high rates of Income Tax, Service Tax, VAT, Property Tax, Entry Tax, you are immune to each one of them.

You will be glad to know that today, there is no piece of land in India which can be sold or bought without you. Be it Ambanis in Mumbai, Aggarwals in Delhi or Chatterjees in Kolkatta- you connect the country. You have been successful in buying MPs and in past, have made special appearance in parliament as well. Credit goes only to you black, that today, even a government peon can become a millionaire. People here won’t accept a girl even if she is slightest of black, however, when it comes to money, they treat both black and white equally. But despite all this, please don’t come back from Switzerland.

Black, if you will come back, don’t expect to be of any help for poor. You will again be routed in the hands of those special few on the pretext of schemes like MNREGA or Indira Awas Yojna. Instead of the wonderful lockers of Swiss Bank, you will be kept hidden behind the walls, beneath the bed and sometimes, even in loos. You won’t get the privilege of cheques or credit card. In its place, you will be exchanged on the basis of Rs.10 note. Some smart peoples, who call themselves Chartered Accountants, may also force you to convert into me. But that’s not the worst part.

Imagine yourself inside a BMW standing on a red light. A small kid, handicapped from both legs will be knocking the car, begging for you. Your heart will cry to go in that boy’s hand, but you won’t be able to. Even if, by chance, you succeed, you will be taken up by the mafia of the red light and subsequently thrown back into the lockers of someone else. Next day, you will be in Audi, and the boy will be at same red light. You will exchange hands at marriages, on the pretext of dowry. You will be worshipped in the form of Goddess Laxmi and then, will be used to settle the cases of rape, while the girl will commit suicide. It’s you who will be responsible for child trafficking- for all the mental and physical trauma of those sweet little children. People here will use you with such cold-heartedness that you will feel ashamed of your existence.

Trust me brother! Don’t come back to India because the hearts of people, here, are blacker than your colour.

Your fairer self

White Money (TDS deducted!)

 

P.S.: Sending you a tube of New Improved Fair n Lovely. You really need one!

Rail Fare Hike? Not Everyone is Unhappy!

So the rail fares have been hiked by 14.2%. Now you will have to pay higher to travel in ‘ache din’ express.

If you thought there is going to be anger and protest from every one of society, then you might be wrong because there are people for whom this decision is a boon.

Who are those people? Lets meet them and find out what they have to say about rail fares hike.

1. Ratan Tata– Thank you modi ji! Now no one can stop my airline from touching new heights. Come passengers, travel in AirAsia, at the same prices of train.

2. Ticket Offenders– People travelling without ticket are the happiest lot because their savings by travelling without ticket have gone up by 14.2%.

3. Parents– For last few years, it was recession, global warming or Congress, which acted as the best excuse for not taking your children to holidays. But now parents have got a brand new excuse in fare hike.

4. Soccer maniacs– Spain and England are out in group stage only and you want us to worry about petty issues like train fares? By the time, TV channel doesn’t increase its subscription rate, I am happy with any other hike. Goal! Goal! Gooooaaaaaalllll!!!!

5. India TV– Well! Its a decision by Modi Government. Mr. Modi can never be wrong. Fare hike is for the betterment of the nation. Money collected from tickets will be used by Modiji in India’s development. What great thinking by Modiji. Modiji, you are the best. Modi ji is the God. Modiji, one more interview, please!

6. IRCTC IT Team– If you can’t increase the servers for website, increase the fare! Demand will automatically reduce and hence, daily downtime for website can be reduced from 23 hrs to 22 hrs post fare hike. Mothers and sisters of IT technicians can now get relief from constant hiccups.

7. Monsoon– Thankfully now the blame of inflation can be shifted from weak monsoon towards rail fare hike.

8. Rahul Gandhi– A person who can grin even after such a disastrous performance by his party in elections, a rail fare hike is surely not going to make him unhappy.

9. English Training Centers– With pro-hindi propaganda of new government, these institutes were disappointed. Now, with this hike of 14.2%, their ache din are back. However, they are yet to figure out that its increase in ‘train’ fares, not ‘training’.

10. Train driver– As he does not have to pay for travelling by train.