An Auditor’s Approach Towards Cooking

There is this story about a fish. For the entire life, she was kept in an aquarium bowl. One day, her master decided to let her free in the ocean. But in the ocean also, the fish kept on revolving at one place as that’s the only thing she knew.

Auditors are like this fish. Right from their articleship, the only thing they are taught is to find mistakes. These are the people who ask the doctor about the sampling technique used before giving a blood sample. Wherever you put these auditors, they just start their audit process.

To prove this, we did a small experiment. We picked up an auditor and threw him in a kitchen with a cook. A normal person might have learnt some cooking tips or enjoyed his favourite dishes in kitchen. But auditors are special (read: abnormal). After spending a day in kitchen, he came out (actually thrown out by the cook!) with this- ‘ A Guide to Audit of a Kitchen’

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AUDIT OF A KITCHEN

Kitchen is the production area of any household where raw materials such as potatoes, cheese, pulses are transformed into finished products called as breakfast, lunch or dinner, depending upon the time it is consumed. Various consumables like oil, ghee, spices are used to carry out the transformatiom process, called as cooking.

Being one of the biggest cost centre of any house, it is necessary that the kitchen is always working in the most efficient and effective manner. For this, it is recommended that an audit of cooking process is carried out each quarter by an external, independent agency. The audit process should follow the following guidelines-

1. Gaining Process Knowledge

Visit any recipe site like tarladalal.com  to learn about standards applicable during preparation of various items. Auditor may also refer tutorial videos of Sanjeev Kapoor for the same. During the exercise, special care should be given to technical jargons such as “namak swaad anusaar“. Also, the auditor should make himself comfortable with both Hindi and English name of spices, so that he is not struck with question like “Hing ko English mein kya bolte hai?”

2. System Walk through

The auditor should visit the actual site i.e. kitchen and have a system walk-through of the cooking process. The walk through should include the purchasing process of raw materials and consumables, selection criteria for food to be cooked, process of cooking, estimations and the complaint handling process.

3. Audit Planning

After becoming familiar with the whole process, the auditor should prepare an audit plan and check list of points to be covered. The check list may include checking of purchases, tasting the food before it is served, reconciliation of actual production vis a vis consumption, sample survey of consumers and the treatment given to scrap.

4. Execution

  • Purchases: The auditor should obtain the list of all purchases including vegetables, spices, cooking oil, and salads made during the audit period. On sampling basis, it should obtain the purchase orders and check if the tendering process has been adequately followed. If should be checked that the quotations from each vegetable seller has been obtained and the PO has been issued to L1 vendor after adequate bargaining. The quality certificates of purchases should also be checked. Analytical procedures must also be applied to check if purchases have been made on the basis of minimum order levels. Excess purchase of vegetables like gheeya and tori, should specifically be pointed out in the audit report.
  • Stock: Details of stock lying in kitchen along with those under production should be obtained. Stock turnover ratio may be computed to determine fast, slow and non-moving items. A surprise physical verification may also conducted on the basis of ABC Analysis of different items. Material lying unused for a long period may be disposed off to a stray dog or cow. Special attention should be given to FoC (Free of Charge) items such as ketchup and chilly flakes sachets coming along with burgers and pizzas.
  • Production Process:  The process of production or the cooking is the most vital process of the system. It should be ensured that it is done by personnel having sufficient experience in this field. Auditor may ask such personnel to prepare items like gajar ka halwa to test their capabilities. It should be ensured that selection process of item to be prepared consider all the factors including available stock, health meter and the feedback of consumers. Items like baingan ka bharta should be discouraged. The efficiency ratio of gas usage for each item prepared should also be checked by auditor. In the end, each of the item prepared should be tasted by the auditor and given marks accordingly.
  • Reconciliation: Reconciliation is done at two levels. The first is of raw material. Purchases should be reduced with standard level of consumption to arrive at closing stock. Any material deviation should be enquired into and reported accordingly. The second reconciliation is of finished product. The auditor should check the quantity of item produced and must reconcile it with the total number of people present. Adequate weighage should be given to the weight of each consumer. It should also be checked that whether any item left unused has been utilized the subsequent day.
  • Consumer Feedback: The consumer feedback mechanism should also be checked. The auditor may conduct a sample survey regarding the quality of food. However, while conducting the survey it should be ensured that the cook had not prepared paneer that day.

5. Reporting– For reporting purpose, the auditor should note its weight before and after the audit on that basis must issue its report.

  • If the weight has increased- The food prepared is unhealthy and unhygienic resulting in the problem of obesity among the consumers
  • If the weight has reduced- The cooking process is unable to meet the demands of the people and as a result they are being forced to starve.
  • If the weight remains same- The whole process of cooking is a waste and does not provide any benefit to the consumer.

Sikkim- The Unblemished Beauty!

You will have to visit it once, to realize why its called Nye-mae-el. This second smallest and the least populated state in the country has everthing to offer you- the lively city of Gangtok, one of the highest lakes in the world- Gurudongmar Lake, casinos- a rarity in India, the historic Nathu La pass of the Old Silk route, breathtaking landscapes and astonishing waterfalls. But most importantly its the beautiful people of this state, which makes it a must visit for any traveller.

The post can go endless if start giving details of my week long experience in Sikkim during June 2014. I will try to keep it short.

Beautiful, peaceful and they don’t have arranged marriages

The second thing we noticed about this city of Gangtok was cleanliness. Its an aberration to an otherwise filthy image that we have for India and an example for rest of the nation, that a clean city is possible in India. As we entered the city, we were warned by our taxi driver not to smoke in public as it may attract hefty fine of Rs. 5000. The plastic bags are completely banned. And the best part is that these rules are implemented strictly. But the first thing that beheld our attention were the beautiful women of Sikkim. They have this default smile on their faces and I must say, they have amazing fashion sense.

During our stay, we had this habit of having small chit-chats with locals. Like, one of those nights in Gangtok, we stayed in the market a little longer as all the shops were closed down. There were 3-4 policemen who joined us as we were sitting on a bench. For next hour or so, they shared their experiences, about the culture of city, crime scene and also asked our whereabouts. Unlike the image of police we have in other parts of India, they were very polite. One of them was, in fact, NSG trained commander.  We got to know that Sikkim is a very peaceful place, partly due to the fact that with such a small population, a criminal does not have many options to hide. Also, its a zero-corruption state. As I googled, I got to know that it was once on the list of Guinness for being a ‘zero-crime state’.

As we had chats with more people, we also realized that its a very different culture. Like in Sikkim, they do not have this concept of arranged marriages. Its love all. Also there, women are not only safe, but equal too.  You can trust the people of Sikkim. But they are also quite adamant and you can’t argue a lot with them. Like once, we had an argument with our taxi driver as he was not allowing us to stay longer at one of the place. But later on we realized that it was for our own safety sake as we had a long way to travel that day and the skies turn darker very soon in that part of the nation. And yes, like other north-eastern states, its football crazy.

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Welcome Back to the Medieval Age

It was a blessing in disguise. No mobile networks for 2 days!

The journey to the real Sikkim began beyond Gangtok into the higher altitudes. Its a military controlled area and only authorized vehicles are allowed there. You have to take permission a day in advance before going. It was 2 nights and 3 days journey mostly involving travel into the mountains of Himalayas. There were beautiful waterfalls in the route and we took stop at few of them. There were times when we were actually passing in between the waterfalls. 4-5 hours into the drive, the mobile networks disappeared. And trust me, there can not be anything more peaceful in life than this. For next 2 days, we were safe from all those cancer causing rays. No whatsapp or facebook! We learnt that only BSNL network is available in the region that too on alternate days only.

By the time we reached Lachen, our first stop, a small, lazy town, it was already dark.  Stay was already included in package. We were provided with candles and matchsticks as after 7 PM the generators would stop and there would not be any electricity.

The wooden finishing of the hotel only substantiated our belief that we were teleported to medieval age.

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Gurudongmar Lake- Breathtaking, literally!

From Bagdogra, place from where mountains start, its a 4-5 hours drive to Gangtok. From Gangtok, its another 7-8 hours drive to Lachen. And from Lachen, it further takes 5-6 hours to reach Gurudongmar Lake, situated at the height of 17,100 metres, the highest accessible lake in India. Its, actually, second highest, but Cholamu lake, 5 kms from there, is restricted for access for being in a sensitive area near Indo-China border.

First the journey from Lachen to Gurudongmar. We were instructed by our taxi driver to be ready by 4AM in the near freezing temperature. Though, not on time, but leaving by 5AM was an achievement for us. It was about to dawn. Not the best of the roads, and neither did we expect it to be, it was just sufficient for tyres of car to fit in. One wrong move and we would have been experiencing a free fall. Also, hardly, there were any other vehicles visible in route. Sometimes scary, it was adventurous.  The terrain outside was captivating, mountains capped with snow, deep trenches and then there was this sight. Water was flowing few hundred meters below us and there was this mountain on the other side of it. There was vegetation on its slope, but in between it was appearing as if a razor has been used to cut out all the vegetation. The driver informed us that it was the result of 2010 earthquake. One could imagine what kind of landslide would have occurred at that time and it was enough to give goosebumps.

As we moved further, vegetation disappeared and it was all rocky- a vast plain of rocks with only mountain peaks visible. We were told that this whole area remains covered in snow in winters. Since, it was June, there was not much of it, but whatever little snow was there, with sun rays falling on it, it was shining like diamond. We were very near to the Chinese border and the tanks of Indian army were visible. En-route, we took a short break at “World’s Highest Cafe” at 15000 feet. It was run by the military and they even gifted us chocolates.

The car stopped near a temple. We were finally at our destination. The water was cleaner than the mirror. It was reflecting the snow clad mountain peak without any distortion. It was Gurudongmar lake. The driver warned us not to stay for more than 15 minutes as low oxygen level can make it difficult to breath. But our breath was taken away, by the very first sight of this lake. Luckily, there was pleasant sunshine, otherwise the wind was bone-chilling. We tried to manage to stay as long as possible. 45 minutes, out of six, two were already on grounds and while the other two, including me, could barely walk. It was only after an hour’s sleep after coming back to Lachen that I could get rid of the headache. But the hangover of the mesmerizing view has stayed till date.

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Zero Point- Sliding in Snow

We left Lachen for Lachung and again it was dark by the time we reached. And it was raining lightly. A perfect setting to go out and have a walk. There was this small shop run by a lady where we had maggie. You could not have asked for anything better. The next day, again in early morning, we left for the zero point to have some fun in snow. On the way, we took the necessary gears- shoes, gloves, jacket- on rent. We also crossed the valley of flowers, but not being a season, there were not many flowers.

Probably in 3-4 hours we reached the zero point, having a slope of mountain covered with snow. We had to cross a small stream of water to reach that mountain. And then it was like a pig having a mud bath. It took some efforts to reach to the top of the slope, but for coming down, we preferred to just slide. As a result, all our clothes were wet and it was only after we reached back to hotel in Lachung that we stopped shivering.

Same day, we left for Gangtok to complete our North Sikkim tour.

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Nathu La- Welcome to China. International Roaming Charges will Apply

There was just this fence of four wires separating 1.2 billion people on one side, and 1.3 billion on the other. I even tried to shake hands with the Chinese soldier but of course he was not allowed. Though we could not cross the fence, we did manage to get ourselves clicked in China, as window of the building on the side was black and reflecting our images. If that proof wasn’t enough, we also did receive as SMS from Airtel welcoming us to China. Not just on land, there is Chinese intrusion in mobile network too.

Few kilo-meters off route, there is temple of Baba Harbhajan Singh, an army office who had died in 1960s but is considered to be still performing his duty. All army persons in that region have full faith on this. So much is the belief that the government of India also pays salary to Harbhajan Singh. Infact, in Indo-Chinese flag meetings a seat is always reserved for Baba Harjbharan Singh.

We also visited the Tsongma lake en route Nathu La. The lake has its cultural value and its water is considered very sacred. Not comparable to Gurudonmar, it was still a worth visiting place. We got ourselves clicked on a Yak and also enjoyed the momos and chinese near the lake. The food was perfect for a drizzling day.

The whole trip was completed in a day’s time from Gangtok.

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Some win. Some lose. The Casino always Wins

It might not be the best place to visit and though it was my first experience of a casino, I can say that casinos in other part of the country (called Goa!) would be better. But still, it was worth of an experience. We went to Mah-jong , the better of the two casinos in Sikkim, at 11 PM and came back at 5 in the morning, only to visit it again at night. There was a stage where dance performances were taking place and by what I have seen in movies, it was very much closer to a Mumbai dance bar. In the rest of the arena, it was all money!

We had got few chips with our entry passes and we tried our hands at Roulette.  Few of us, in fact, made good amount of money. But we were the small players. There were people who were dealing in 6 digit figures. Few lakhs here and there was not much of their concern, as long as they were having fun. Its these places which makes you realize that no value of money is too big.

Apart from Casino, Gangtok also has places like, Cafe Live n Loud and Lounge 31A, which can compete against any hangout place in Delhi.

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Nye-mae-el

This week long trip made us realized that size always does not matter. Its such a small state but will leave you mesmerise for the whole life. Its very unique and its still very much untouched. If you want to have something more than just a weekend gateway, to experience the nature as it is, to have little adventure and at the same time, do not want to miss the fun part, then Sikkim is the place to visit! No matter why, the Lepchaas, the natives of Sikkim, has named it Nye-mai-el, meaning paradise.

Come Get Blessed Sikkim

P.S.: These many places should ideally be more than enough for a small state like Sikkim. But it does not stop here. You still have Pelling hill station, East sikkim, hot springs, Tibetian Museum, rope-ways, temples, monasteries, trekking! Just “Come, Get Blessed”.

Who Am I?

Am I a human being, responsible for global warming?

Am I a male, having rights to rule over women?

Am I an Asian, eating up jobs in the west?

Am I an Indian, who is either poor or corrupt?

Am I a Hindu, who has to hate Muslims?

Am I a North Indian, who is ill-mannered and uneducated?

Am I a youngster, boozing and playing around?

Am I am Delhite, who only cuss and rapes?

Am I a baniya, always trying to save money?

Am I a Chartered Accountant, converting black money into white?

Am I who I am?

11 Mistakes of My Life!

1. Not learning dance– Remember how surviving each day at school was a challenge for Darsheel Safay in TZP? I feel the same on dance floor.

2. Buying a Dell laptop– No! The problem is not with the laptop, but with the fact that I took no advantage of 1 year accidental warranty!

3. That FB DP– Was I out of my mind when I shared that pic on FB! I wish I had the courage to post it here. Looking at it once, you would have understood why it’s included here.

4. Not buying an iphone– Not because I love iphone, but to prepare myself better for Apple vs Android debate and thus, to help android win it.

5. Not arranging photos on my laptop– 44,826 photos. 90 GB data. Tried several times, but could never completed it. Result- Its mess which is tougher to clean than our political system. (Not to forget incomplete backups at dropbox, google+ and CDs)

6. Reading twilight saga– In 3 weeks I was through with 4 books. Watching back to back episodes of Kyunki Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi would have been a better choice.

7. Learning to drive car– When you have to spend 2.5 hrs of your life daily in pressing and releasing clutch, you will realize why its a mistake.

8. Ignoring that girl– She was such a nerd during school, but look at her now! How did I miss her?! So true, when it comes to stock market and girls, its all about strong fundamentals and right timing.

9. Joining that whatsapp group– Forwarded photos, messages and videos. And then a birthday every alternate day! If that wasn’t enough, you have those blue ticks for groups also

10. Rejecting Bill’s offer to be Microsoft CEO- It wasn’t that bad an offer. I could have considered it. But Nadela is also doing good.

11. Voting for AAP– You call it mistake! Trust me, I will do this mistake time and again.

 

21.0975 km: Pain can be sweet!

Sometimes you dream of something and achieve it. And then there are times you achieve something, which you haven’t even dreamed of. For me, completing the half marathon falls in the latter category. For someone who hasn’t even ran in temple run or subway surfer, 21.0975 km was like “Are you kidding me!” But yesterday i.e. on 23rd Nov, I actually did finish the Airtel Delhi Half Marathon (ADHM). The feeling of finishing it was incredible, but at the same time, when you see people 3 times of your age finishing ahead of you, you realize that you can do much better!

It all began is September, when a mail from HR invited everyone to participate in ADHM. And my department decided that we should all participate. On personal front, I had no idea of how long 21 km actually is and if it is anyway possible for me, but then participation was the only way to find out. Moreover, probably this was the challenge which could motivate me to focus on my fitness. Had this challenge came 3-4 years back, I would have been sure to complete it. But the Chartered Accountancy course does take its toll on fitness. And now in job, there were these excels and ppts, which contribute nothing towards your body.

I registered. There was excitement and at the same time, a nervousness. Nervousness because I know my colleagues. If they managed to finish the race and I could not, there were not going to spare me. So, the preparation for marathon started the very moment I registered. I googled- the history of marathon, where and when it all began, why this peculiar timing of 21.0975 km. See that’s the negative impact of a Chartered Accountant job, you feel that your PC is the solution of everything. But it was not any taxation or accounting problem. So finally, I got a schedule (again, through google!) on How to prepare for your first marathon.

It was a schedule for 2 months, with focus on adequate preparation as well as giving rest to your body- 4 days of practice and 3 days rest in each week. For next two months, I followed the schedule, not completely, but partly for sure. I followed all the rest days and decided to give practice days a skip. In simple words, I didn’t prepare. In 2 months time, I went for a walk only 3 times. The first two times, I covered around 6 kms in an hour. That was in the beginning of 2 months period. For next 1-1.5 months, I did nothing (except following the rest days, of course).

It was the last weekend before marathon. Without any practice, I had no idea of my capabilities. I needed to run atleast once. And this time around I was able to complete 11 kms in less than 1.5 hours- not great, but a far better performance than my expectations. It provided me the confident that my body can make it to the 21 km length, no matter the time it takes. So, my target for the upcoming weekend was- Lets keep the timing for next marathon, this time just focus on finishing it!

The Race Day!

Apart from lack of preparation, there was this big challenge for the race day- Getting up at 4:30 AM on Sunday! Race had to begin at 7 AM, but the venue was quite far and I also had to pick up my colleagues in between. There was this enthusiasm for my first marathon race and surprisingly, i was awake even before 4:30 AM.  It was the end of November in Delhi, so it was chilling and dark outside. At 6 AM, I was at the venue.

The venue was- Jawahar Lal Nehru Stadium- one of the few nicer things that otherwise filthy CommonWealth Games have provided to Delhi. It was nice to see that a sporting culture is slowly developing in India. People, 32500 in numbers, were all geared up- doing their warm ups, relaxing and simply, enjoying themselves. Despite the weather, there was warmth and a positive vibe in atmosphere. The arrangements were top-class. Take for example, there were over 100 washrooms at the assembly area. There were instructors helping people to warm up, actress Bipasha Basu was there too. I was ready to roar!

DSC_89596:30 AM was the start time for elite runners and from 7 AM, they started releasing us in batches. At around 7:15 AM, the race began for me! Bipasha Basu flagged it off. There was music playing. There were cheerleaders. There were people cheering for us. I was feeling like a celebrity. For first 2-3 kms, it was a cake walk and I could maintain a steady pace. At each kilometer there were water supplies, energy drinks, washrooms and medical aid.

After 2-3 kms, I realized that I need that to conserve my energy. So I followed this strategy- walk steadily and after each kilometer, run for few meters and then walk steadily again. Just don’t burn yourself and do not think about timings even once! During the race, human spirit was clearly visible. No matter if you are waist 42 or 22, you have to keep moving. For me, the most inspiring sites were these two people.

There was this 82 year young guy (he was wearing a born in 1932 tshirt, that’s how I know his age). He could not bend the knee of one leg and even a normal walk was difficult for him. But there he was, running a marathon. There was no surprise why people were saluting and applauding his spirit. He was truly an inspiration for anyone.

The second was this girl, probably in her early 30s, having a prosthetic lower left limb. I had heard about making the most of whatever we have and these she was making the most of whatever she doesn’t have. She had a coach who was running with her- inspiring her, pushing her. After regular intervals, she would stop, re-adjust the prosthetic limb and then move on again. Hats off to the girl as well as her coach!

Coming back to race, at around 6-7 kms mark, I had reached the India Gate. There was slight pain in legs, but I was comfortable. I was waiting for the half way mark at jantar mantar. 8. 9. 10. And there was the half way mark. Reaching half way mark was the mental battle won, because I knew if I could reach the half way alive, then I was going to finish the marathon for sure. The legs were paining, but now I was sure that I can make it. Legs can be taken care of later.

The sun was becoming harsher. But luckily, there were adequate supplies of water and energy drinks. I could again see the India Gate and I knew from India Gate, its just a matter of few kilometers. But wait! There was a diversion just before the India Gate and though it was few meters ahead of me, I had to cover another 2-3 kms to reach there. But no issues, I was going to complete it. The brain already had an  agreement with pain, and now it was just numbers. At no point of time, I felt like stopping, taking a break or quitting.

And there was the board- 500 meters to go, 400, 300, 200, 100 and I crossed the finish line. It was a sense of achievement. I did it. Not bad Sarthak! Ha! It was n’t that tough. 21 km is very much achievable. And I have achieved it.

The Finishers Medal!

How amazing isn’t it? When we are sitting, getting a glass of water is so tiring. One round of Cannaught Place used to take away all the energy from body. And now I have covered the distance equivalent to 25 rounds of CP and I still wasn’t that tired. I could easily cover 3-4 kms more! Truly, its all in the brain. If we have to, we can achieve what we never ever thought possible.

Post-Marathon

I came back home with the finisher’s medal. The legs were paining, but the pain was sweet. The pain was constantly reminding me of my achievement. That yes, I have finished my first half-marathon. The distance of 21.0975 kms!

But yes, there is more to achieve. The next time, I need to practice and is surely going to improve my timings by atleast 10 percent! That would be the real win. And there is full-marathon too!

Its my strong recommendation to all of you, do give marathon a try. Not for the achievement or any benefit. But to experience that capabilities of your body is way beyond that you can even see or imagine!

The next day was Monday and I was back to work. Another milestone in life crossed. The marathon continues. Normal life, normal routine.

How was your first marathon? Do share your experiences!

Start your cleanliness mission from here!

Become a part of Modi’s Swachh Bharat Mission, and contribute towards it. And as it is said that charity begins at home, its time to start your cleanliness mission from yourself. With a long extended weekend, following are your SEVEN cleanliness mission for the next 5 days:

Become a part of Modi’s Swachh Bharat Mission, and contribute towards it. And as it is said that charity begins at home, its time to start your cleanliness mission from yourself. With a long extended weekend, following are your EIGHT cleanliness missions for the next 5 days:

1. Clean your FB friend list: Your friend list in nearing the 4 digit mark, but how many of them you actually know or talk to? Its time to go through your friend list, delete unwanted people and organize others in proper list. And yes, do the same for the n number of pages that you have liked on facebook.

2. Clean up your seat at office: Why is it so that every time you need a paper urgently, you are unable to find it? Its not any jinx on you. Please spare 20 minutes for the bundle of papers lying on you seat and in your drawer. Its going to spare you from those 5 frantic minutes whenever your boss asks you for an important paper.

3. Clean you Almirah: Your mom has been asking you from ages. Its time to spare some time for your almirah. If not for cleanliness, then for that lost pen drive and for clothes you have forgotten about (and the money in their pocket!).

4. Clean your desktop: Do you know that that word file on desktop is actually your ticket for the travel you made 2 years ago? Please clean your desktop! A cleaner desktop is going to make you feel a lot better, trust me!

5. Clean your fats: Gym, morning walk, sports and yes, dieting!!

6. Clean your to-do list: Remember that tareekh pe tareek dialog of Sunny Deol? Stop postponing those work from this weekend to the next. Go, buy the stuff you have needing from months! Get yourself the haircut! Call up your friend! Get that gift for your father!

7. Clean your finances: Don’t wait for the March, just sit down and relax! See if your investments are giving returns as you expected. Are your taxes being taken care of? Half of the financial year is still remaining. You can tweak your  portfolio. May be its better to pay off the full amount of loan, instead of making new investments.

8. Clean your mind: Towards the office boy in the office, towards the kaamwali at home, towards the jhaaduwala in your locality and most importantly, towards the guy who cleans your toilet everyday. Respect them and their work!

Decoding Independent Auditors Report

Pre: Dedicated to all who at point of time have audited or have been subjected to audit. Do read an original Audit Report here.

Independent Auditors’ Report

TO THE MEMBERS (if at all they care for anything more than the free lunch on offer at AGM)

 

REPORT ON THE FINANCIAL STATEMENTS

We have audited made money from the accompanying financial fraudulent statements of ABC Limited (the Company), which comprise the window dressed Balance Sheet as at March 31, 2014, the Statement of Inflated Profit and Hidden Loss and Cash (white, not black) Flow Statement for the year then ended, and a summary of insignificant accounting policies and other explanatory information which even we cannot understand.

 

MANAGEMENT’S RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE FINANCIAL STATEMENTS

The Company’s Management is responsible for the preparation of these fraudulent statements, that give a true (lol) and fair (fairer than Neil Nitin Mukesh!) view of the beguile performance and imaginative cash flow of the Company in accordance with the Accounting Standards taught by Praveen Sharma Sir and in accordance with the deviations from principles generally accepted in India. To cut it short, arrest the management, not me, for any fraud, because they are the one responsible for everything- be it the Iraq war or Argentina’s defeat in finals. I am, all the way, irresponsible.

 

AUDITORS’ RESPONSIBILITY

Our responsibility is to hide lies about these fraudulent statements based on our so called audit. We conducted our audit in accordance with the Standard of the client. Those Standards require that client should pay high audit fees and should not lose his temper on being produced reimbursement bills for expenses which we never incurred during audit.

An audit involves performing any bloody kind of procedures to make client believe to increase next year’s audit fees. The procedures selected depend on the auditor’s judgment article’s stupidity, including the application of half-baked IPCC knowledge with full attitude and confidence, whether correct or not. In making those half-baked assessments, we ignore all kinds of risk of material misstatements and consider whatever the client says as the only truth. The auditor considers internal control blah blah, copy paste blah blah blah who cares blah blah who reads blah blah accounting jargons blah blah report length increased. We believe that the absurd queries we have raised are sufficient and appropriate to provide a basis for mental harassment case.

 

OPINION

In my opinion (I guess so) and for the best of lunches and dinners given to us the aforesaid fraudulent statements give the information required in the manner so as to increase share prices and give a varnished and shammed view in conformity with the accounting deception principles generally followed in India:

(a) In the case of the Sham Balance Sheet, hiding the sorry state of affairs of the Company;

(b) In the case of the Statement of Profit and Loss, manufacturing profits in books; and

(c) In the case of the Cash Flow Statement, taking care of all the black money.

 

REPORT ON OTHER LEGAL AND REGULATORY REQUIREMENTS

1. As required by the CARO, but since I left this topic during examination, we cannot give in the Annexure a statement on the matters specified in paragraphs 4 and 5 of the Order.

2. As required by my senior:

a. We have obtained all the bills and the excess reimbursements for pizzas and chips necessary for the purpose of our audit;

b. In our opinion, the clients has sufficiently been blackmailed and made to suffer so far as appears from our examination of their faces.

c. The Balance Sheet, the Statement of Profit and Loss, and the Cash Flow Statement dealt with by this Report are in agreement with the amount of audit fees paid.

d. In our opinion, the Balance Sheet, the Statement of Profit and Loss, and the Cash Flow Statement comply with Accounting Standards and even if they don’t, I really don’t care.

e. On the basis of the written representations received from the directors as on March 31, 2014, taken on record by the Board of Directors, none of the directors is disqualified as on March 31, 2014, from being appointed as a director in terms of Section 274(1)(g) of the Act, but the manner in which they run the company, they all should be disqualified!

 

For the most scrooge firm of

Chartered Accountants

(Firm Registration No. 000420X)

 

<Autograph valued more than that of any celebrity>

 

ABC

Partner

Membership No BB Pin.:

Delhi

Date : < 2 days before board meeting>

 

 

P.S.: The audit report is independent of financial statements and has nothing to do with books of accounts. It is a work of fiction and any resemblance or non-resemblance to actual state of affairs is purely co-incidental.