Decoding Independent Auditors Report

Pre: Dedicated to all who at point of time have audited or have been subjected to audit. Do read an original Audit Report here.

Independent Auditors’ Report

TO THE MEMBERS (if at all they care for anything more than the free lunch on offer at AGM)

 

REPORT ON THE FINANCIAL STATEMENTS

We have audited made money from the accompanying financial fraudulent statements of ABC Limited (the Company), which comprise the window dressed Balance Sheet as at March 31, 2014, the Statement of Inflated Profit and Hidden Loss and Cash (white, not black) Flow Statement for the year then ended, and a summary of insignificant accounting policies and other explanatory information which even we cannot understand.

 

MANAGEMENT’S RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE FINANCIAL STATEMENTS

The Company’s Management is responsible for the preparation of these fraudulent statements, that give a true (lol) and fair (fairer than Neil Nitin Mukesh!) view of the beguile performance and imaginative cash flow of the Company in accordance with the Accounting Standards taught by Praveen Sharma Sir and in accordance with the deviations from principles generally accepted in India. To cut it short, arrest the management, not me, for any fraud, because they are the one responsible for everything- be it the Iraq war or Argentina’s defeat in finals. I am, all the way, irresponsible.

 

AUDITORS’ RESPONSIBILITY

Our responsibility is to hide lies about these fraudulent statements based on our so called audit. We conducted our audit in accordance with the Standard of the client. Those Standards require that client should pay high audit fees and should not lose his temper on being produced reimbursement bills for expenses which we never incurred during audit.

An audit involves performing any bloody kind of procedures to make client believe to increase next year’s audit fees. The procedures selected depend on the auditor’s judgment article’s stupidity, including the application of half-baked IPCC knowledge with full attitude and confidence, whether correct or not. In making those half-baked assessments, we ignore all kinds of risk of material misstatements and consider whatever the client says as the only truth. The auditor considers internal control blah blah, copy paste blah blah blah who cares blah blah who reads blah blah accounting jargons blah blah report length increased. We believe that the absurd queries we have raised are sufficient and appropriate to provide a basis for mental harassment case.

 

OPINION

In my opinion (I guess so) and for the best of lunches and dinners given to us the aforesaid fraudulent statements give the information required in the manner so as to increase share prices and give a varnished and shammed view in conformity with the accounting deception principles generally followed in India:

(a) In the case of the Sham Balance Sheet, hiding the sorry state of affairs of the Company;

(b) In the case of the Statement of Profit and Loss, manufacturing profits in books; and

(c) In the case of the Cash Flow Statement, taking care of all the black money.

 

REPORT ON OTHER LEGAL AND REGULATORY REQUIREMENTS

1. As required by the CARO, but since I left this topic during examination, we cannot give in the Annexure a statement on the matters specified in paragraphs 4 and 5 of the Order.

2. As required by my senior:

a. We have obtained all the bills and the excess reimbursements for pizzas and chips necessary for the purpose of our audit;

b. In our opinion, the clients has sufficiently been blackmailed and made to suffer so far as appears from our examination of their faces.

c. The Balance Sheet, the Statement of Profit and Loss, and the Cash Flow Statement dealt with by this Report are in agreement with the amount of audit fees paid.

d. In our opinion, the Balance Sheet, the Statement of Profit and Loss, and the Cash Flow Statement comply with Accounting Standards and even if they don’t, I really don’t care.

e. On the basis of the written representations received from the directors as on March 31, 2014, taken on record by the Board of Directors, none of the directors is disqualified as on March 31, 2014, from being appointed as a director in terms of Section 274(1)(g) of the Act, but the manner in which they run the company, they all should be disqualified!

 

For the most scrooge firm of

Chartered Accountants

(Firm Registration No. 000420X)

 

<Autograph valued more than that of any celebrity>

 

ABC

Partner

Membership No BB Pin.:

Delhi

Date : < 2 days before board meeting>

 

 

P.S.: The audit report is independent of financial statements and has nothing to do with books of accounts. It is a work of fiction and any resemblance or non-resemblance to actual state of affairs is purely co-incidental.

 

Third Group of CA Exams..!!

We all study Accounts, Law, Audit, Cost, Income Tax, and others. But why is it so that only handful are able to pass them? Some say, my Taxation is weak, I cant understand the concepts of Financial Management or some blame it on ISCA or Audit. But do you really think Accounts, Cost, Audit, Law, Tax are the subjects what makes you a Chartered Accountant?

Whenever you see results, you only see marks of Group 1 and Group 2. But there is another, the third group which you need to qualify for. Its the group whose exams are not limited to 3 hours, but continue throughout your life as future Chartered Accountants.

Like the other two group, you have four subjects in this group also with compulsion to pass all four. Lets take a look at these subjects and their content.

Subject 1: Capability-

Objective: To determine whether you have the ability to achieve your goal.

Content of the subject:

Past performance– Performance in school /college level determines your capabilities. If you have not been able to perform at those levels, then you need to buck up and improve your capabilities.

Clarity over fundamentals–  For those who only study for marks and do not believe in understanding the concepts at its core, its a tough road for you ahead. A person having basics of the subject clear is surely more capable than “muggers“.

Learnings from Articleship– The hours that one puts in in his articleship plays a very significant role in mental grooming – making you a lot more mature and capable of handling pressure. A dummy only makes you lethargic and less hard working.

Grasp over language–  Its not about English language or the language of law, its about conveying what you actually wants to convey. Knowing how to answer is as important as knowing the answer and this capability can get you those extra marks.

Intelligence Level– Every human being has his/her strong and weak points which influences their capability. Their are people who are called “born” intelligent, but then there are those who have to make themselves intelligent.

Subject 2: Hard Work

Objective: To check how much you can put it to achieve your goal

Achieving your targets-  For achieving any goal, its necessary to set small targets and then making sure that you achieve them, no matter how much hard work you have to put in.

Regularity/Time– Its not your college or school exams where you needed to put hardwork only during exams. One is required to work hard on continuous basis and in a regular manner.

Going in Depth- Its CA exam,  and you are expected to know everything in detail. Whatever you study, study in depth. No mugging up, not to consider any topic irrelevant and to obtain full understanding of each and every topic.

Smart Work- With hard work, its necessary to put the smart work. But beware of the thin line between smart and over smart.

Subject 3: Determination

Objective: To see how far you can go to achieve your goal

Content of the Subject:

The last attempt– There is always a next time. If you are preparing with this thought in mind, better give it the next time. Be determined to clear the exams in this attempt only. There is no second time of clearing it in first attempt.

No Excuses- You will get thousands of reason for not studying- from facebook to whatsapp to family functions to family burdens. But this subject does not recognize any excuse. If you have to, then you have to. This is it.

No shortcuts– This is the tough chapter. If I leave this one, still I can make up 50. Let me just go through it quickly, its not that important. If you are doing it like this, then such shortcuts are going to make long cuts in your marks. In CA, each and every thing is important. Dont take shortcut. Always prepare for getting 100 marks!

Stamina– Your body, your mind will give up. You will reach a saturation point. Each cell of your body say, no more please. And this is the time where most of us give up. But don’t. Because this is also the point where victory is only few steps away.

Subject 4: Luck

Objective: To make you aware about harsh reality of life

There are no subject. Nothing here. There can be circumstances where you have prepared the above 3 subjects, but sill can not make it. At such times, don’t lose hope! Luck can be against you once, but trust me, it will be with you next time. And never forget, harder you work luckier you become!

 

Capability, Hard work and Determination- these three are in your hands. Don’t be less than 100 in these three.

For the 4th one, I will say, All the Best..!! :-)

Understanding Accounts the politician way

Income– Kick backs, gunmen for security, bungalow, red beacons car, foreign picnics, money, money, money, money, and more money

Expenditure– Bottles of alcohol that are distributed for buying votes

ImageNon Current Asset– Votes received in the election whose benefits can be reaped for next 5 years.

Current Assets– Cash and gold kept in lockers and those deposited at swiss bank accounts.

Non-Current Liability– Flattering of party high command which a politician has to do for the whole lifetime.

Current Liability– The money and support received from criminals, religious gurus and businessman against which you have to grant favors to them on winning election.

Investment– Money paid in party fund for buying the right to contest election

Capital Loss– Losing an election

Contingent Liability– Chances of being caught in a sting operation or going to jail

Going Concern– The concept that no matter whether a politician goes to jail, no matter how severe charges are against him, no matter how old he becomes, he still remains a politician.

Joint Ventures– Running a coalition government where everyone is concerned only for themselves but pretends to be a team

Debit– MP and MLA of other parties joining your party.

Credit– MP and MLA of your parties joining the other party.

Balance Sheet– A paper on whose left hand side is the record of all the criminal cases against you and on right hand side is the total money in black and in white you have. More the number of cases, more the money, hence both sides are always balanced.

BRS– (vote)Bank Reconciliation Statement where total vote-bank is reconciled with actual number of votes received.

Earning per Share– Money looted from public for each vote given by them.

Indeed the Centre of Excellence: The first Impression!

30 people. From 11 different states of India. Under one roof. For 28 days. Everyday you are given different tasks. No mobile networks. One can’t go outside. A list of rules, 4 page long. And no I am not talking about some crap Bigg Boss airing on TV.

Welcome to COE, Centre of Excellence!

Image

I heard about this 4 weeks residential program called Personality Skills Development conducted at Hyderabad by Institute of Chartered Accountants of India. After giving away all my happiness for 4 years, my enjoyment, my college life, time, sleep to articleship and classes, I knew that this is the opportunity to get back something from CA. And I enrolled into program.

Never been out of the city alone, never been seen the hostel life, I knew beforehand that this was going to be life changer experience for me. And did it live to my expectations? The 4 weeks experience was way beyond what I could have ever thought!

The first impression

Day 0. It was 11th August, 2013- the day I reached Hyderabad. There was big glass building around 40 floors in height which was the ICICI Bank Headquarter and with reflections of sun pouring from ICICI Bank Building over it, was the campus nurturing the future CFOs of Companies- Centre of Excellence. Was it a hostel or a hotel? There were wooden furnished AC Rooms with LCDs, there was gym, swimming pool, lawn tennis court, a recreational room where we can play TT, carrom, chess, we could sit and relax in lounges, there was a well maintained cafeteria and the lawns were simply beautiful. In outskirts of the city, away from the chaos of traffic, truly going with the name, it was indeed the Centre of Excellence!

After exploring the facilities out there, it was time to interact with other people. From places like Shimoga near Bangluru, to marble city of India, Kishanganj in Rajasthan, to the city infamous for its opium crop, Neemuch in Madhya Pradesh; people were present from all over India. Delhi, Mumbai, Sungroor in Punjab, Jodhpur, Guwahati, Jalgaon in Maharashtra, Patna- There was virtually whole India at one place, called the Centre of Excellence. And we all were locked up there for next 4 weeks! There were no girls which was disappointing but nothing in this world can be perfect, and not having any girl was the only imperfect part of CoE.

That evening, we all sat down in the lawn tennis court and had our first formal introduction with each other. We had all India rank holders, singers, yoga-guru, air-rifle champions, musicians, tech-geeks, politically inclined, writers amongst us. Some were aspiring to be a great entrepreneur,  some were already entrepreneurs, some were looking for jobs, people were having dreams of IAS and while others were still trying to figure out their future. But one thing was common between all, of course apart from CA thing, that we all wanted to gain maximum from the upcoming 4 weeks, both in terms of learning and having fun.

Next Morning. Day 1. Unlike the Bigg Boss house, there was no song playing to wake us up in the morning, and getting ready on time was a big challenge. There was rule that no breakfast will be served after 9:15 AM and our class timings were 9:30 AM. Day 1 only, I and my room partner were late for breakfast, but luckily got a parantha to eat, and the rest we managed with biscuits.

Nevertheless, we reached for our classroom. What a classroom it was- air conditioned, having projectors, mikes on each seat. To top that, everyone was dressed in their finest formals- shirt with ties, blazer and trouser. Even the best of MNCs could not have created such professional environment.

Having no idea what we really are going to learn, the Centre of Excellence kept surprising us. Just look at the activities we had on Day 1 itself- Strategy formation on how to survive in air crash in a desert, presenting our business idea for raising funds, participating in a virtual auction for establishing business and learning how to convert a group into a team.

The class ended at 5PM, but not the day. It was then time to try our hands on TT and Lawn Tennis, and thankfully not many of us were good at playing it. 10 PM was the time we were supposed to go back into the rooms, but they did not specify that into your “own” room. And from there began the legacy of “Club 1Show13” and our late night group project work.

It was all just on the day 1. Some of the creativiti-est class activities, best of speakers from across the countries,  exploration of city of Hyderabad and the craziest bakchodi with hostel mates- these all were awaiting us in next few days. The next few days which were going to be the best few days in the lives of many of us!

 

(More on the experience of CoE, the hostel life and what influence it had on me: Coming Very Soon!)